Cheating is wrong, plain and simple. In this chapter I am going to give you some practical advice, so that f you are going to cheat, here’s how to increase the odds of getting away with it. Does that mean I condone it? No, but a lot of people have asked me for my advice on this subject since I catch people cheating for a living. (This advice actually works for other shit you want to hide too.)
Besides, I’m not so naïve as to think that every marriage or partnership is solid and deserves to last. What would a good analogy be? It’s wrong to go 95 miles an hour down the road, but if you wear your seatbelt and you don’t talk on the phone, if you plant your feet and use your radar detector, well, then, you might just get away with it. You could potentially be fucking with everybody’s life, including your own. But this is not a moral chapter, this is a practical chapter. So here we go: My top ten rules for getting away with cheating.
1. Never Bring Your Lover to Your Home
Nobody abides by this rule, by the way. This rule only applies if you’re living with the person you’re cheating on of course, and it especially applies if you’re a man. Women are born detectives: they’ll find a strand of hair, they’ll catch a whiff of old perfume. Women are worse than you parents when you had a party, remember, back in high school? Something is bound to go wrong – it’s Murphy’s Law. Your new lover goes to clean herself up and you’re not covering her every step, there could be something that she leaves behind. At the very least, bang someone with the same hair color as your partner!
In all seriousness, you might get your partner’s schedule wrong. Or something changes, and they just show up…happens all the time. And then it’s like the blues song:
One way out, baby, and Lord I just can’t go out the door
’Cause there’s a man down there/Might be your man I don’t know
Why would people bring their lover to their house anyway, because they’re cheap and don’t want to pay for a hotel? Maybe they’re just extremely cocky. Or it could be spite, like a cat spraying their pee around. If you won’t give me what you want then I’m going to take care of it on your side of the bed! I think it also depends on how kinky you are. Some girls or guys get off on screwing in the same bed for power – but ASSUMING you don’t fall into any of these categories – then go to a hotel.
Hotel, motel, B&B, it doesn’t matter...just remember to pay cash. Don’t ever put anything on a credit card. If you pay with a credit card, the next thing you know you stick the receipt in your pocket, then you forget and your wife does the laundry, “What’s this?..” You don’t need to be intimidated or embarrassed. People pay cash all the time. Besides, you’re not going to the Ritz anyway, most likely, you’re going to the Red Roof Inn – these people know that you’re coming into bang. I know, I’ve talked to them, trying to get information out of them. Hey, come to think of it: We’re in tough economic times...maybe some of these hotels should advertise? You know, “Infidelity welcome, $49.95…”
2. Never Call Your New Companion From a Known Number
In the old days people used to call from a pay phone instead of the home phone, but obviously there aren’t too many of those dinosaurs around anymore. Then the cell phone entered the mainstream, and for a while that was safe. Now, even if you delete the number there are still SIM cards that can pull off all of the information of who you’ve dialed. Plus, the bills themselves probably come to some central place – like your house. You might go over your allotment for texts, your partner might get the phone company to release your records (who you called and for how long), pretending that they don’t understand why their bill is so high?... Don’t put it past your spouse to do some pretext calling of their own!
Your best bet is probably a company cell phone or to make your calls from the office. If you are going to use your personal cell phone, you have to limit your talk. I’m not even going to get into Tiger Woods talk, but let me just say that everyone is guilty of breaking these rules from the top of the societal ladder to the bottom. Set the boundaries, set the rules. You may think that the days when one lover calls the other in the middle night – and then hangs up on the second ring are over, but you’d be surprised. A lot of my clients get tipped off by just such amateurish moves like this one.
The only exception to this rule is if the lover is a friend of the family – I’m not passing judgment here…it happens all the time. Where else are you going to meet somebody? Then it may be weirder if they don’t call the house – once in a while. You just have to play it by ear.
By the way, all ten rules boil down to the same rule in the end: be safe and be smart.
3. Don’t Use The Family Computer
It’s too risky. Even partners only somewhat versed in the computer will be able to access the cookies in your browser, if they are motivated. You may think, “Well, I’m not looking up escort services, I’m fine!...” You’re wrong. You’re looking up cheap, local hotels online – and you aren’t planning a vacation with the family any time soon…so you’re done. Don’t send emails from your home computer either. The chances are too great that you will leave your email account open. Do all your dirty work from the office.
Porn on the home computer is a different story. I think that’s a matter of interpretation as to whether that’s cheating or not. Every guy looks at porn. I think if a woman hacks into a computer and sees porn – except kiddie porn, of course – she should be happy. That should solidify that the marriage is tight, because if the husband’s looking at porn, he obviously doesn’t have the guts to go out and cheat. They just need a little extra flavor and they’re doing it via the internet. It’s like a woman sticking a dildo in her pussy when her husband’s on a business trip, and thinking about Brad Pitt – there’s no difference, men are just more visual. Are these facts? Or is that my opinion? My opinion based on fact? Or based on observation? I leave that to you to decide.
4. Keep a Low Profile
Don’t make a reservation at the local restaurant. In fact, don’t go out at all, or if you do go out, if you feel like you owe your lover “a date,” then make it as far away as you can comfortably drive and get back in the time span you have allotted. Remember, Murphy’s Law? It’s not just that your lover leaves his contact lens case next to your bed at home, it’s running into a family you know at the Ol’ 99! The truth of it is, you really can never go out and expect not to be made. If it’s just – what do the kids say these days? – “A friend with benefits” – then it should just be strictly sex. You meet at a certain place and you have sex. And you leave.
The problem is people start to get attached to each other, and then they start to fall in love. I think it takes a special person – okay, I don’t want to be too sexist, I’m just relating what I’ve seen – I think it takes a special woman to just strictly want to have sex and that’s it. It might start out that way, or both people might say that’s what they want, but often one person changes their mind. It helps to have parameters ahead of time, and keeping a low profile is one of them. But if one person wants more and they’re not getting more, then it becomes Fatal Attraction all over again: “I will not be ignored!” That’s one of the big risks that you take, one lover exposing the relationship and contacting the other’s spouse. A lot of times the lover will use that as an ultimatum. “I want you to leave your husband or wife for me, or else.” Which brings me to my next rule…
5. Get Leverage
There’s no way to know ahead of time if a prospective lover is going to go full-blown obsessional, so get some leverage right at the beginning. It may sound evil, or at least devilish, but think of it as a kind of outlaw pre-nuptial agreement. It could be something they’re doing at work, maybe something that they’ve stolen, or some misdeed they’ve committed? Get the details and get some proof. People are surprisingly open when they’re first getting into a relationship and that’s the time to snag some piece of information that you might need later on.
The best kind of person to choose to have an affair with is someone that you can reasonably expect you won’t need ammunition on later. Maybe it’s someone you have had the opportunity to observe for a while, someone that you work with – over the years you have come to understand their lifestyle and their personality, and there’s only a mild chance that they are going to snap on you. The worst kind of person to choose is someone who’s not in a relationship. Not only are the odds greater that they are going to get more attached to you, but someone in a with kids and a husband or wife at home has more to lose.
Getting leverage can involve hiring a P.I. – Hey, there’s a good idea! – to do a background check on them. They aren’t necessarily going to have great character if they’re cheating but it might help you to find out if they generally have their wits about them. Take photographs, record their admissions, and don’t feel guilty: you haven’t done anything with the information yet. Besides, all’s fair in love and war…
6. If It Is Just Sex You Want, Don't Even Start A Relationship!
Why take the risk? Escort services and prostitutes are 1,000% better. If paying for sex throws you off, consider hooking up on a business trip for a one night stand. Use the old tried-and-true method: you meet someone at a bar, give them a fake name, you have sex. And that’s the end of it, you’re never going to see them again. A lot of conventions have turned into a kind of fantasy land for these kinds of activities. Your new lover’s life is at home; your life is at home. There are no traces left – what happens in Minneapolis, or Key Biscayne, or wherever, stays there.
By the way, just so you don’t think I’m being sexist, more and more women are doing this now. They’re complacent and miserable at home, their husband’s got a big, fat gut and doesn’t pay any attention to them – so they travel and they hook up. I’m just saying…
7. Dont Get To Confident
I suppose this goes for anything in life. When you start to get too confident in your abilities, that’s when you start to slip up. Earlier I said: be safe and be smart. Well now I’m adding: be scared.
Too confident might mean that you’ve been getting away with cheating for a little while, so you start breaking some of my rules. You bring your lover to your house. The phone rings at some weird hour. You use your home computer. Whereas before you were very strict with the process and with covering your tracks, as life has gone along you have started to get sloppy. Everybody gets lazy after a while…and then it’s too late when you get caught.
8. Do Not Tell More Than Your Best Freind About Your Affair
Now, I know what you’re thinking – why would I tell anyone? Well, you shouldn’t, but most women will tell their best girlfriend. Most guys will probably only tell another guy they’re close with if they need an alibi (more on that in a little bit). People who run their mouths about their affair are just asking for trouble. You might not think so. You’re at Spin class, talking to some girl and you’re telling her about the guy you’re dating…except she happens to know someone who knows your husband, and it’s going to come up in the weirdest ways. Why even take the chance? To show off? Everybody knows somebody and some people know a lot of people.
As far as guys go, I think most guys adhere to the guy code: an unwritten rule that we have amongst our species. Just as most girls have one trustworthy friend, so most guys have the guy who will cover for him. One of my local buddies was screwing around on his wife for a while, and used me as an alibi. He’d call me up and say, “Hey, Mark, the next time you run into my wife, we had dinner last Tuesday night at such-and-such restaurant…Okay? All right? Thanks, man!” This particular woman used to like me, too. But as her husband’s illicit relationship went along, it got more and more involved, and she started not liking me anymore. She thought he was out having too much fun with me, while I was sitting home watching Family Guy. Whatever. Guy Code.
9. Use Protection
You don’t want to bring any diseases home to your spouse, or your new relationship will be exposed in a heartbeat. Protection – in case you didn’t know – also protects against impregnating someone? Just thought I’d mention that that would also be bad.
I know I’ve mentioned this in a previous but don’t change your sex patterns at home either. Don’t start asking for more just because you feel guilty. Don’t shy away from having sex just because you’re “in love” now with somebody else. And above all, don’t try out your new funky, kinky sex move on your partner without being fully prepared to explain where you got THAT idea from…
10. Deny, Deny, Deny!
Do you remember that song from a few years ago, “It Wasn’t Me?” ‘She caught me on the counter… it wasn’t me. Saw me banging on the sofa…it wasn’t me.’ Even if they have caught you red-handed: it wasn’t me. It wasn’t fucking me.
Let’s say the worst thing you can imagine happens, your partner comes home and there’s a feminine product in the toilet…and your partner’s not menstruating. It’s not what you think it is. It’s just not what you think it is. My sister was here, she had to use the bathroom – what can I tell you?
Then you get on the phone as fast as you possibly can, “Listen, Sis. You got to cover my ass this one time. Remember when we were kids, and you came home shitfaced? And I covered for you that night with Mom and Dad? All right, you were on the rag and there’s a tampon in the toilet, in case my wife calls. I’ll explain it to you later. Blood’s thicker than water. Bye!”